The Female Orgasm: What Helps

What helps most

What helps most with the female orgasm is feeling relaxed and safe, taking your time, understanding your own body and being able to talk openly with a partner. Bodies differ widely, and there is no one right way to experience it, or a right amount of time it should take. Plenty of women enjoy sex very much without having an orgasm every time, and that is entirely normal.

Some useful facts

Surveys consistently find that many women do not reach orgasm through penetration alone, and that most need clitoral stimulation as well. So if that describes you, your body is working just as it should. The idea that a couple should orgasm together, quickly and every time, is largely a film convention. Letting go of that can be a relief.

Things that can help

Stress and worry are big barriers, so the same things that help you relax can help here. Time, privacy, enough sleep and leaving the to-do list outside the door all count. Trying too hard often backfires.

Learning what you enjoy without any pressure is something many sex therapists suggest, because it makes it easier to tell a partner what you like. A partner who is curious and patient helps a lot, and it is perfectly fine to say what works. Pelvic floor exercises may also be useful, and a lubricant can make things more comfortable if dryness is a problem.

When to get advice

Some medicines, including certain antidepressants, can make orgasm harder to reach, as can hormonal changes around the menopause, some long term conditions, heavy drinking and past trauma. Do not stop taking a prescribed medicine by yourself. Speak to your GP, who can review it with you.

If orgasm has become difficult when it was not before, if the difficulty upsets you, or if sex is painful, see your GP or an NHS sexual health service. They can check for physical causes and, if suitable, suggest a referral to a psychosexual therapist. Be wary of pills, creams and devices promising a guaranteed result.

Remember the bigger picture

A good sex life is not a scorecard. Pressure from a partner, however well meant, tends not to help, and no one should feel that they have to fake anything to protect someone else's feelings. For more on closeness and slowing the pace, read our guides on intimacy and taking things slowly.