Threesomes: How to Talk About and Arrange One

The honest answer

The way to arrange a threesome is to talk honestly first, agree clear boundaries, and make sure all three adults freely and enthusiastically want to take part. If anyone is unsure, the answer is no for now. Everything else is detail.

Raising it with your partner

Pick a calm moment away from the bedroom and treat it as a question rather than a request. Something like, is this a fantasy you have ever thought about, leaves plenty of room for an honest reply. Then listen. Some people love the idea, some like it only as a fantasy and some do not want it at all.

If your partner says no, accept it and do not keep raising the topic until they give in. A reluctant yes often leads to hurt later on. Likewise, a threesome is unlikely to fix a relationship that is already struggling.

Agreeing the ground rules

Talk through the details in advance. Who would you invite, and is anyone off limits? What is fine and what is not? Will the third person stay over? Would you see them again? What signal means stop, and what will you do if somebody feels jealous? Treat the third person as a real person with their own wishes, rather than as an accessory. They should know the rules and have their own say.

Anyone can change their mind at any point, even when everything has been agreed. Being very drunk is not consent, so keep alcohol moderate.

Health and finding someone

More people means more chance of passing on an infection. Use condoms, change them between partners, and consider a check at an NHS sexual health clinic beforehand. These clinics are free and confidential.

People usually meet a third through friends, although that can be complicated, or through dating apps and events that are set up for this. Our guide to dating apps in the UK may help. Be upfront about what you are looking for from the very first message.

If you are thinking about an escort

Some couples like the idea of spending time with a professional escort because expectations can be discussed clearly. We currently list 60 ladies who see couples, and our couples bookings guide explains how that works. A rate covers her time and companionship, and nothing beyond that is promised. Both partners should want to be there, and each lady decides what she is comfortable with and can say no at any time.