Tantric Sex and Taking Things Slowly

What tantric sex means

Tantric sex is a slow, mindful approach to intimacy that puts presence and connection ahead of any particular outcome. Instead of treating sex as a race towards a finish line, it encourages two people to pay closer attention to their breathing, to each other and to the moment they are actually in. Many people find it less about technique and more about changing the pace.

You do not need special training, a certain body or a spiritual belief system to take something useful from it. At heart, it is an invitation to stop rushing.

Where it comes from

Tantra itself is a broad family of spiritual traditions that developed in medieval India within Hinduism and Buddhism. These traditions involve meditation, ritual, mantra and philosophy, and only a small part of them has anything to do with sex. Scholars often point out that what is sold in the West as tantra bears only a loose resemblance to those older practices.

The version most people mean today is sometimes called neo-tantra, which grew up in Europe and America during the 20th century and became popular from the 1960s onwards. It borrowed ideas about energy and awareness and blended them with modern thinking on relationships and sexuality. There is nothing wrong with that, as long as we are honest about it. It is better to see modern tantric sex as a helpful way of being intimate than as an authentic ancient secret.

The main ideas in plain English

Slowing down is the first and most important idea. Most of us live at speed, and our intimate lives can pick up the same rushed habits. Giving yourselves plenty of time, without one eye on the clock or the phone, changes the mood before anything else has happened.

Breathing is the second. Slow, steady breaths help the body relax, and there is good general evidence that slow breathing can calm the stress response. Couples sometimes try simply breathing in time with each other for a few minutes while sitting together. It can feel a little odd at first, and laughing about it is entirely allowed.

Eye contact is another staple. Looking at each other quietly for a minute or two can feel surprisingly intimate, sometimes even more than touch does. Many couples find that this tells them something new about how comfortable they feel together.

The last is letting go of goals. If nothing has to happen, then nothing can go wrong. This can take a lot of pressure off, particularly for anyone who worries about performance or has felt that intimacy has become a routine.

How couples can try it

Start outside the bedroom. Put the phones away, cook something together or take a walk, and have a proper conversation. A sense of ease built over an evening does far more than any clever technique.

Set up a space you both like. Warm room, soft light, music if you enjoy it. Agree in advance that the aim is simply to enjoy some unhurried time together, and that either of you can pause or stop whenever you want. Non-sexual massage is a popular way in, because it lets both people get used to giving and receiving attention without expectation.

Talk as you go, in whatever way suits you. Saying what feels good, what does not, and when you would like a break is the opposite of killing the mood. It is what makes people feel safe enough to relax. If one of you is keener than the other, take the idea slowly and be open to the answer being not tonight, or not at all.

Keep your expectations modest the first few times. You may feel self conscious, get the giggles or find your mind wandering to tomorrow's meetings. All of that is normal. Mindfulness is a skill, and like any skill it improves gradually. Try a little at a time, see what you both enjoy and leave out the rest, including anything that feels too serious or too much like homework.

What it will not do

You may read bold claims online about tantra curing all kinds of problems, or about hours long encounters and extraordinary experiences. Treat those with a healthy dose of scepticism. There is little good research on tantric sex specifically, though there is reasonable support for mindfulness based approaches helping some people with stress, body worries and sexual confidence.

It is not a medical treatment either. If you have pain during sex, a sudden change in desire, erection problems or anything else that worries you, see your GP or an NHS sexual health service. These things are common, and doctors deal with them every day. A psychosexual therapist can also help if the difficulties feel more emotional than physical, and your GP can advise on how to find one.

A word about tantric massage adverts

You will see the word tantric used in a lot of massage and adult advertising, where it may mean very little. If you are exploring this, ask plain questions, and do not assume that one word tells you what a person offers. In a booking with an escort, the rate covers her time and companionship. Each lady decides what she is comfortable with and can say no at any time.

If it is the unhurried side of things that appeals, you might like our guide to the different types of intimacy. For the terms you may meet while looking around, see our escort terms guide.