How to Last Longer in Bed

The short answer

Most men can last longer in bed by easing performance pressure, taking their time, talking openly with their partner, and learning to recognise and pause before they reach the point of no return. If it is a regular problem that upsets you, a GP can help, and there are effective treatments available. Coming sooner than you would like is one of the most common sexual concerns men have, and almost everyone experiences it at some stage.

What is normal

Films and pub talk have given many people a very distorted idea of what is typical. Research suggests that the average time is only around five to six minutes, with wide variation between men. Many of those who worry that they are too quick are in fact entirely normal.

Doctors usually only talk about premature ejaculation if it happens quickly nearly every time, and if it is causing distress or relationship problems. It can happen with new partners, after a long gap, or when you are especially excited or nervous. An occasional quick finish is nothing to worry about, and it is not usually a sign of a serious health problem.

Take the pressure off and talk about it

Anxiety is a major factor, and it tends to feed on itself. You worry about finishing too quickly, the worry raises your tension, and so the thing you feared becomes more likely. Breaking that cycle helps more than any trick.

Stop treating sex like a timed event. Remember that what a partner enjoys rarely depends on the number of minutes on a clock, and that many women do not orgasm through penetration alone in any case. Our guide to the female orgasm explains more. Placing less importance on a single moment, and more on the whole experience, often takes away a lot of the pressure.

General stress is worth addressing as well. Poor sleep, money worries and problems at work all find their way into the bedroom. Regular exercise, moderate drinking and some time to unwind can make a real difference, even though they sound dull.

It can be embarrassing to bring this up, but silence usually makes it worse. A partner may be far less concerned than you imagine, or may mistakenly think your quietness means you are not interested. Choose a relaxed moment outside the bedroom and be honest. Something along the lines of, I sometimes get in my head about this, and I would like to work on it with you, is plenty.

Ask what your partner enjoys, too. It may turn out that the thing you have been worrying about is not the thing they care about. Having a shared plan and a sense of humour takes much of the sting out of the situation.

Simple things to try

There are a few self help approaches that many people find useful. Slowing down is one of the simplest. Taking a pause when you feel you are getting close, breathing slowly and carrying on only when the feeling has eased can help you learn your own limits over time. Doctors call this the stop-start technique, and a therapist can explain it fully if you would like more guidance.

Thicker condoms can reduce sensation slightly, and they protect you against infections too. Pelvic floor exercises are not only for women. There is some evidence that strengthening these muscles helps men gain more control, and your GP or a physiotherapist can explain how to do them correctly. Like any exercise, these take a few weeks of regular practice to show an effect.

Getting help

If the problem persists, see your GP or go to a sexual health clinic. It may feel awkward, but they talk about this kind of thing all the time. They can check for causes such as prostate or thyroid problems, or side effects of medication, and they can talk you through the options.

Treatments can include numbing creams or sprays, certain prescription tablets and referral to a specialist. A doctor can tell you what might suit you, and whether it is safe alongside anything else you take.

Please be wary of delay pills and herbal cures sold online or in shops. The MHRA, which regulates medicines in the UK, has warned that some sexual enhancement products contain undeclared drugs that can be dangerous, especially for people with heart problems. Stick to products from a registered pharmacy, or those your doctor has prescribed.

Sometimes the root lies in past experiences, relationship tension, guilt or strong anxiety. A psychosexual therapist can help with this, either on your own or as a couple. Your GP can advise you on local services, and Relate offers sex therapy too, although you may have to pay.

Talking therapy has a good reputation for this sort of concern, and it does not need to take years. Many people find even a handful of sessions helps them feel more relaxed and in control.

A last word

Lasting longer is rarely about willpower. It usually comes from being less anxious, more comfortable with your body and more open with whoever you are with. If you find these subjects interesting, our guides to taking things slowly and intimacy and connection offer a different way to look at the whole subject, one where the clock stops mattering very much at all.