How to Flirt Respectfully

The short answer

To flirt respectfully, show warm and genuine interest in someone, keep things light, and pay close attention to how they respond. That final part is what separates charm from pestering. Good flirting is a two way game where both people are enjoying themselves. If only one of you is having fun, it has stopped being flirting.

You do not need lines, a routine or a particular kind of confidence. Most of what works is ordinary friendliness with a small spark of playfulness added.

Curiosity and compliments

People like being around someone who finds them interesting. Ask about things they have clearly chosen to talk about, such as their work, a trip or the book in their hand, then follow up on what they actually said. Remembering a small detail from earlier in the conversation is far more flattering than any compliment off a list.

Talk about yourself as well. A conversation where one person fires questions feels like a job interview. Share a story, admit to something a bit silly and let the other person tease you back.

The best compliments are about things people have chosen: their taste, their sense of humour, the way they told that story, their jacket. These tend to feel personal and easy to accept. Comments about someone's body, particularly from a stranger, can make people uncomfortable very quickly, however kindly you meant them.

Say it once, and then move on. A compliment is a gift, so it should not come with an expectation of something in return. If someone looks embarrassed or changes the subject, take the hint gracefully.

Body language and reading the signals

Relaxed body language does most of the work. Smile, face the person, put your phone away and hold eye contact for a moment or two longer than you usually would. Then look away naturally, because staring has the opposite effect. Do not touch someone you have only just met as a way of testing the water. A hand on the arm or lower back can feel far more invasive to them than it did to you.

Good signs tend to come in clusters. They ask you questions back, keep the conversation going, turn towards you, laugh easily and seem happy to stay. If they give short answers, look around the room, mention a partner, angle their body away or start reaching for their coat, the interest probably is not there.

Remember that friendliness is not flirting. People who work in bars, hotels and shops are often paid to be pleasant, and a kind smile may be just that. It is also worth knowing that polite smiles and vague replies can be a way of getting out of a situation safely, especially for women. If in doubt, assume that they are being polite.

Alcohol makes all this harder. It blurs your own judgement and can affect theirs, so if someone has clearly had a lot to drink, this is not the moment to pursue anything.

How to ask, and how to take no

At some point, a clear and easy question beats a dozen hints. Something like, I have really enjoyed talking to you, would you like to get a drink some time, gives the other person a simple choice. It also leaves them room to say no without any awkwardness.

If the answer is no, not right now or anything vague, smile, say that is fine and leave it there. Do not ask why, try to change their mind or ask again later in the evening. Taking a no with good humour is the most attractive thing you can do in that moment, and it is simply the right way to treat someone.

Choosing your moment and place

Context matters a great deal. Someone on a train with headphones on, working behind a counter or walking home alone at night is not inviting a conversation, and it can come across as threatening even if you intend nothing of the sort. Parties, dating events and dating apps are places where people expect a bit of flirting, so they are a far kinder place to begin.

Take particular care at work. An unwanted advance from a colleague can be harassment, and things become even more complicated when one of you is senior to the other. Online, the same rules apply: be friendly, leave plenty of space, and never send explicit pictures unless asked. Sending unsolicited sexual images is a criminal offence in England and Wales.

If you feel out of practice

Everyone gets rusty, and nerves are perfectly normal. Practise by being a little chattier in everyday life, with no aim other than having a pleasant exchange. Our first date tips will help when a conversation turns into plans, and our guide to dating apps in the UK covers meeting people online.

The same manners carry over to every setting. Even when you are spending paid time with an escort, her warmth is not a promise of anything, and her boundaries deserve the same respect as anyone else's. Our etiquette guide covers that in more detail.